Choose your friends wisely – choose who you will listen to, and choose who to share your thoughts with

"Choose your friends wisely" is an old adage that most of us would have heard of, but how many of us have given a thought about the friends we surround ourselves with? The transition from strangers to friends is often blurred and it's tough to judge the closeness of a friendship if you are not mindful of it. So how do you start to make sense of your friend groups and whether you are choosing your friends wisely?

The need for friendships, but how many?

The need for belongingness and closeness is third in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It is the basic psychological need after we ensure our physical survival. Interpersonal skills is something that young parents and teachers are concerned about when young children prefer to spend time alone, and they have good reasons why. According to this American Psychological Association (APA) article, high-quality friendships provide social support and companionship which protects us from mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, but it also combats loneliness and feelings of social isolation.

While having many friends might seem appealing, the quality of these friendships is what truly matters. British anthropologist Robin Dunbar suggests that we can maintain about 150 stable social relationships, known as Dunbar's number. Beyond this number, relationships tend to become superficial as we reached our cognitive limit. This brings us to the importance of finding high-quality friendships that truly enrich our lives.

Finding high-quality friendships

Personally, 150 friends is a lot of people. For comparison, New Scientist article illustrates 150 people to be historically the size of an English village, the ideal size for church parishes, and the size of a basic military unit. If I think about making and maintaining 150 friends, I don't think my schedule can permit it, and neither can my social battery. In which, quality of friendships is something that I think holds more weight.

In branding, it is important to identify the right target audience for a brand. In fact, it needs to be narrowed down to a specific group of people so that the brand can be more relevant to them. I think it's the same for people too, after all "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with".

The APA article also highlights that friends share similar brain activity in regions responsible for motivation, reward, identity, and sensory processing. This means that the people you spend the most time with can significantly influence your thoughts, perceptions, and even your sense of identity. Given this potential of influence, it's crucial to manage these friendships wisely.

Managing friendships

When I was in school, I didn't think much about maintaining friendships. Afterall, I will be seeing my friends every weekday and we can easily spend hours studying or playing together. Our schedules are synced and we have very little obligations. This changes as I navigated my twenties with my friends - we all had busy schedules trying to juggle multiple responsibilities, and spending time with each other becomes less of a priority. In which, choosing who to spend time with becomes crucial. I often find myself questioning:

• Do they share the same values that I have / aspire towards?

• Do I like being around them? How do they make me feel?

• Are we putting in the same amount of effort into this friendship?

As I grow older, it is not time that determines the quality of friendship. It's not about how long we have been friends for, how many times in a year we meet, or how many hours we spend when together when hanging out, but it's more to do with whether I feel inspired, heard, or valued as a friend. The last question is the most important for me, it signals whether this person will show up for me when it matters most – both in good and bad times, and will they allow me to do the same for them?

Managing friendships requires mutual effort and reliability. A simple test I'd do is to see if a friend reciprocates efforts in meeting up or staying in touch. If they consistently fail to do so, it might be time to reassess our friendship. This leads to the difficult but necessary decision of knowing when to call it quits.

When to call it quits

Not all friendships are meant to last, no matter how long the friendship has been. It is painful to cut ties with someone, but it is necessary when all the answers to my questions above are negative. Choosing your circle of friends it's not just about being mindful of their influence over you, but also how you protect your own peace.

In the latest episode from Diary of a CEO (DOAC) podcast, I learnt that Steven Bartlett chooses who to hire based on vibes. And I totally agree with that approach towards friends too. Sometimes our gut is faster than our brains to process "vibes" and if I don't feel good when I'm around a person's space, it's a no for me. Here are some consistent patterns of behaviours that I have identified for me over the years:

• Are they victimising themselves in their stories?

• Are they overly self-promoting where I can't reply with anything genuine?

• Do I feel like I have to be careful with what I say every time I'm with them?

In both branding and personal life, it is important to align who you associate with and what you stand for (your values). In the same DOAC episode, Evy Poumpouras opines that "good people can make bad choices and mistakes... Anyone is capable of doing anything at any given time, if given the opportunity". What that meant for me is that friendships are about choices. You have the autonomy over your friendships and you can choose who you want to spend most of your time with. If a good person turns out to be someone bad for you, it's okay to forgo the friendship and move on. There are always 149 other friends to care about and make a new one.

Till the next!