Settling into the 30s – the good, and the unknown

Recently, I was celebrating my birthday with a friend, and she'll be joining the 30s club soon. I asked her how she felt about turning 30, and I sensed her nervousness around it. There’s a sense of denial in wanting to leave the twenties behind with so much yet to accomplish.

However, we don't have to feel too negatively about turning 30. In fact, I argue that 30 is a good milestone. I don't feel as lost as I did in my twenties, and there are still new things to learn about myself. Crucially, I believe the early 30s mark a significant era of transition for most of us. It is when we enjoy some stability built from our twenties, along with new unknowns to explore and pursue.

The good - Narrowing consequential experiences

When I was on the cusp of 30, I read The Defining Decade by Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist who specialises in adult development. I read her book with increasing anxiety as she recounts stories of her twenty-something patients who are living aimlessly, and older patients who are paying a steep price  – professionally, romantically, economically, reproductively – because of it.

She introduced the concepts of "identity capital" and "consequential experiences". In our twenties, we should intentionally gain identity capital–a collection of assets that we use as currency to build relationships and advance our careers. These can be gathered during a critical period of growth and change known as consequential experiences, where a simple exposure can lead to dramatic transformation.

These consequential experiences start to lessen in our thirties as we narrow down our choices and define who we are with our identity capital. While Dr. Jay has good intentions to provoke a sense of urgency for those in their twenties, what about us in our thirties, forties and beyond?

The unknown – Learning and exploring never ends

For one, I strongly believe that some things in life can't be rushed. We are meant to explore and learn at every age. It is never too late to start over as long as you are doing it right by you. That means trusting yourself to make decisions and figure things out independently.

I was left inspired by Dr. Gladys McGarey in her book, The Well-Lived Life that concluded with a note on how "you are right on time". As a centenarian, she emphasised the importance of keeping a sense of wonder about the world as we age. It is beneficial to know that we may not know what's going to happen next and embrace change as it comes.

Fear tells us it's too late... but love has its own timing. Life has its own timing. That timing deserves respect.

Manifest and "femifest" your ten-year plan

Upon turning thirty, aside from looking back at the identity capital I've built, I also looked forward to what I want to accomplish in the next decade. It was something Dr. McGarey prompted as well. Ten years makes space and time to "femifest" and manifest the things we want to achieve–a far enough reach that will keep us engaged, yet close enough that we can achieve it and plan anew.

"Femifest" is a term coined by Dr. McGarey to refer to the undergoing gestation whenever we are going through the process of manifestation. It is the period where we stock up, prepare and learn. A huge part of turning toward life is embracing this phase even if we don't understand it. Everything takes its own time–it simply isn't up to us to understand it.

However, she also cautioned to leave plenty of room for mystery. Because we never know when things will suddenly change, when some stubborn thing will give way to something new. The important thing is to learn from it. Learning helps us reach for what's next–and reaching for what's next helps us come alive.

Take action

If twenties is about self-creation, a time to determine who we will become; thirties is about self-development, improving upon what we have determined. In our early thirties, we would experience our first "dividend payout" from the decisions we have made in our twenties. We can start to take stock of the lessons we have learnt, and choose how we want to proceed next – whether that is to change our careers, work on behaviour patterns that negatively impacts our relationships with others or to start saving for a child or retirement.

Till the next!